Science Magazine CAREERS 

WORKING LIFE

How my professional struggles as a new mom transformed my approach to leadership

• 21 JUL 2022
• BY SOPHIA X. PFISTER

• It was 3 a.m. I was exhausted from taking care of my 3-month-old baby, but I couldn’t sleep. As I tried to recall the topics of the five conference calls on my calendar for the morning, I again had the haunting thought that I wasn’t good enough for my job—a director position I started shortly before my baby was born. I imagined I would make mistakes in my presentations and my team would lose respect for me. Tormented by these thoughts, I reached for a book from the pile on my bedside table to distract myself. By chance I grabbed the Bible, which I had been too busy to read since my baby was born. As I opened it to a random page and happened on the verse “For when I am weak, then I am strong,” tears filled my eyes, and I could breathe again.

  My upbringing gave me an “achiever” personality. From childhood class president to prestigious university degrees to a leadership position in a large company, I was regarded as a “star.” People see me as confident, ambitious, competent, and energetic. But I always feared seeming imperfect in the eyes of others. I worked as hard as I could to make up for my flaws.

  But after becoming a new mom and starting a new job, I was unable to excel no matter how hard I worked. The job required me to attend meetings with almost no break between 7 a.m. and 5 p.m., pushing my own work tasks late into the night. I used a breast pump under the table during meetings and frequently forgot to eat. Mental and physical exhaustion from back-to-back meetings and lack of sleep made it difficult to think deeply and creatively about science. I wanted to offer useful comments in meetings, but my thoughts often became muddled, at times leaving me tongue-tied midsentence. I became so anxious about my long to-do list that I could not calm down to tackle a single task. When a team member left for a new job, I blamed myself. On top of it all, I developed postpartum depression but was too ashamed to tell my doctor. It was the lowest point of my life, and I could no longer deny my weakness.

  
  I shared my struggles as a new mom and … my team members opened up.
  • SOPHIA X. PFISTER
   
  • VARIAN

  After the 3 a.m. epiphany, I wrote the Bible verse on a sticky note and put it on the corner of my computer as a reminder. I read it to myself as I transitioned from one meeting to the next, and it began to transform my approach to work. I realized that instead of focusing on trying to make “clever” comments in meetings—and feeling stressed that I couldn’t come up with any—I could acknowledge what I didn’t know and ask honest questions to learn from others. And when I got overwhelmed by my long to-do list, I learned to accept my limits, identify the most important tasks, and trust my team by delegating.

  Accepting my weakness also helped me find a path to more authentic leadership. I previously put my own and others’ feelings in a box, thinking that discussing them would distract from our productivity, and instead focused on data, timelines, and deliverables. But after my own crisis, I began to pay more attention to my team members’ emotional well-being. I shared my struggles as a new mom and my fear of not finding the best direction for the team. In response, my team members opened up to me about the challenges they were facing. These conversations helped build trust, loyalty, and team morale.

  I also became less judgmental when I had to give critical feedback to team members. Previously, I saw it as a persuasion contest to convince them to stop doing things their way and adopt the “right way,” and I dreaded doing it. But now, I first seek to understand the motivation behind their behavior. This enables me to deliver feedback with the aim of helping each individual become their best self.

  Now, I am grateful for my weaknesses, as they make me humbler. They taught me that true strength, in life and in leadership, does not rely on authority and power, but on compassion, honesty, and kindness.